## Video <iframe width="560" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/Smyc5vF6q-M?si=p7zNWO-SKU2H8XDj" title="YouTube video player" frameborder="0" allow="accelerometer; autoplay; clipboard-write; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture; web-share" referrerpolicy="strict-origin-when-cross-origin" allowfullscreen></iframe> ## Outline 1. **Clearly state your observation of a specific, concrete action performed by the other person.** Focus objectively on what you actually saw or heard, much like a camera would record it, without adding interpretation, judgment, or generalization. This helps prevent defensiveness. * *Example:* Instead of saying "When you were being disruptive" (an evaluation), state the specific behavior: "When you spoke while I was presenting during the team meeting this morning..." 2. **Clearly express the specific feeling that arose within you in response to that observation.** Use precise feeling words (e.g., happy, sad, frustrated, confused, grateful, anxious) to accurately convey your emotional state. If you are unsure of which feeling word to use refer to this [[Feelings|library of feelings]]. If you cannot find your feeling in the library, it may be a thought or opinion rather than a feeling. Expressing your true feelings fosters genuine connection. * *Example:* Following the observation above, you might say: "...I felt frustrated..." 3. **Connect your feeling to the underlying universal human need that was either met or unmet by the observed action.** Needs are fundamental requirements common to all people, such as respect, support, understanding, connection, autonomy, or safety. If you are unsure of which need to reference refer to this [[Needs|library of needs]]. Explaining the need helps the other person understand the root cause of your feeling without feeling blamed. * *Example:* Completing the previous statements: "...I felt frustrated because I have a need for respect and consideration when I am sharing information with the group." **Crucially, do not:** 1. **Express an evaluation, judgment, or diagnosis of the other person.** Avoid labels or character assessments. Phrases like "You are inconsiderate," "That was unprofessional," or "You're always late" tend to provoke defensiveness and hinder constructive dialogue. Stick strictly to observable actions. * *Instead of:* "You are unreliable." (Evaluation) * *Try:* "When you arrived 20 minutes after our agreed start time..." (Observation) 2. **Tell them what you *thought* rather than what you *felt*.** Be careful with phrases like "I feel like..." or "I feel that..." as they often introduce an opinion, interpretation, or thought, not an actual emotion. Confusing thoughts with feelings can obscure your true emotional state and sound accusatory. * *Instead of:* "I felt like you didn't care about my presentation." (Thought/Interpretation) * *Try:* "I felt disappointed" or "I felt hurt." (Feeling) 3. **Tell them they are the direct *cause* of your feelings by using blaming language.** While their action is the *stimulus*, your feeling arises from your own needs. Saying "You made me feel angry" or "You upset me" assigns responsibility for your emotions to the other person, which can lead to defensiveness and disconnection. Take ownership of your feelings by linking them to your needs. * *Instead of:* "You made me feel ignored." (Blaming) * *Try:* "When I didn't receive a response to my email, I felt concerned because I have a need for clarity on the project status." (Observation + Feeling + Need) This practical framework for expressing needs and understanding others represents one fundamental aspect of the broader communication approach known as [[Nonviolent Communication]].