## The Three Motivations: Want, Need, and Like Why do we do the things we do? Why don't we do the things we *[[Should]]* do? And why do we so often ignore the things we *[[needs|need]]* and *[[Like|like]]*, choosing instead to pursue fleeting *[[Want]]*? These questions lie at the heart of understanding motivation. I believe that our actions are driven by what we *believe* we *want*, *need*, or *like*. Let's explore these three fundamental motivations and how they shape our choices. It's crucial to recognize that believing we *should* do something is not a reliable motivator. We often express intentions to do things we feel obligated to do, but these intentions frequently fall by the wayside. This is because "should" is rarely a core reason why we actually follow through. Action only occurs when an intention is transformed into one of these three fundamental motivations: a genuine desire, a perceived necessity, or anticipated enjoyment. But where does this sense of "should" come from? Often, it's an internalized value, external pressure, or a mislabeled want, need, or like. ### The Power of Belief A key point is that we have to *believe* that we want it, need it, or like it. We have to be personally convinced. It's insufficient for someone else to believe it for us. For example, a parent might believe their child needs to practice the piano, but unless the child internalizes that belief and sees the practice as a personal need or something they enjoy, they are unlikely to practice diligently. It's also important to remember that we might be wrong. We only have to *believe* something is true to act on it, rather than *know* it. Sometimes we do things that we believe we want, need, or like, and then discover we were mistaken. For instance, someone might believe they want to buy a new car, only to realize after the purchase that the financial burden outweighs the initial excitement. The initial belief was the driving force, even if it later proved inaccurate. ### Things You Don't Want, Like, or Need It's also important to consider the things we do that we *don't* want, like, or need. Culture and other people have a powerful ability to convince us to do things that fall into this category. Typically, this happens when there are a bunch of intermediate steps required to get what you *actually* want, like, or need. Sometimes we get so focused on doing the intermediate steps that we lose sight of whether or not the whole pursuit is really something that is worth our resources (time and attention). We tell ourselves, "If only I just get enough money," "If only I can lose some weight," or "If only I could get that promotion." Ultimately, these things that we don't want, like, or need drain us of valuable willpower. Since they are not things we want, they take [[willpower]] to do. Since they are not things we like, they don't increase happiness. Since they aren't needed, they don't build our well-being. Ultimately, they are just a waste. It's very important to resist the urge to do things that you don't want, like, or need. If you don't feel the urge naturally, i.e., unprompted, to do it before having started, it's not a want. If you don't enjoy the effects of doing it or having done it, then it's not a like. If you don't need it for well-being, then it's not a need. Sometimes the best way to increase available willpower is to just stop doing the things we don't want, like, or need. ## Defining the Motivations Let's delve into the definitions of each motivation to clarify their nuances. ### Want A "want" is something we desire. The most important aspect of wants is that they are tied to the present moment. Wants are felt and satisfied immediately. They are often impulsive and driven by immediate gratification. Wants are frequently biologically motivated, such as a craving for food or the desire for warmth, but not always. Sometimes wants are culturally influenced, like the desire for the latest fashion trends. Resisting a want often requires willpower, conscious effort, and self-control. A classic example is the urge to eat junk food: the immediate pleasure of the sugary taste and satisfying texture is the primary driver. ### Need A "need" is something necessary for our survival, health, safety, or well-being. Needs are the foundational requirements that must be met for us to live and function properly—physically, mentally, and emotionally. These are the non-negotiable elements that sustain life and enable growth. Unlike wants, needs are universal, although the methods for satisfying them vary. For example, everyone needs food, but the specific types of food and how we obtain it differ greatly depending on cultural and environmental factors. Ignoring needs leads to discomfort or pain, and prolonged neglect can have serious consequences. Food is a prime example: without adequate nutrition, the body cannot function properly, leading to weakness, illness, and ultimately, death. ### Like A "like" is something we enjoy. The most important aspect of likes is that they are primarily tied to the past. Likes are formed through experience and association, based on memories of positive feelings and sensations. We all have theories about what we enjoy, but we can't know for sure until after it has happened. You might anticipate liking a particular movie based on its trailer, but you won't truly know until you've watched it. Consider broccoli. You may think you dislike the taste, but the taste is only a small part of the experience. The fiber and nutrients will nourish your body and make you feel better. You might not *want* broccoli in the sense of immediate gratification, but you *like* it because you recognize its long-term benefits and positive impact on your overall well-being. This delayed gratification and association with positive outcomes is characteristic of a "like." ## The Interplay of Wants, Needs, and Likes Understanding the nuances between wants, needs, and likes is crucial for aligning our actions with our true motivations. Often, these terms are used interchangeably, leading to confusion and miscommunication. By being mindful of their distinct definitions, we can gain clarity in our decision-making and interactions. Wants are often associated with the default setting, meaning they are automatic and require no conscious thought. This makes them incredibly powerful motivators. Infants inherently understand "wants," and it shapes their behavior: they want food, peace, attention, and comfort. If they don't get what they want, they cry, signaling their desires. As they mature, they learn a crucial fact of life: "you can't always get what you want." Eventually, we learn to associate shame with our wants because others perceive them as whining or demanding. We're taught to *ask* for what we want rather than declare it. This fosters independence and responsibility. However, the shame associated with wants can lead us to confuse them with needs and likes. Needs are often perceived as nobler, so we might say, "I *need* that new phone," when we really mean, "I *want* that new phone." This misuse obscures our true motivation. Sometimes likes are perceived as needs, leading to actual needs being neglected, like prioritizing entertainment over groceries. Let's examine these relationships more closely: ### Need vs. Want How often do we hear "I need you..." at the beginning of a request? For example, "I need you to leave," or "I need you to finish this report." These phrases can be frustrating because "need" is often misused. A true "need" is essential for survival, health, safety, or well-being. Using "need" to express a desire can be misleading and create pressure. Consider the difference between "I need you to finish this report by tomorrow" (implying a critical deadline) and "I *want* you to finish this report by tomorrow" (expressing a preference with flexibility). The former can cause stress, while the latter fosters collaboration. Declaring you *need* someone to do something often triggers frustration because it implies manipulation. The word "need" suggests a non-negotiable requirement, but it's frequently a disguised *want* used to bypass refusal. The discomfort of directly expressing desires often leads to using "need" instead of "want," stemming from a fear of vulnerability. Resisting this temptation and framing requests as wants acknowledges the other person's autonomy. This transparency builds trust and recognizes their time and energy as valuable gifts, not obligations. The art of asking involves explaining *why* you want something and *how* others can help. Avoid the shortcut of "need," which attempts to bypass rejection and impose obligation. **Key Takeaway:** Always *ask*, recognizing the other person's power to reject your request. Frame requests as wants, explain your reasons, and value their contributions to create a collaborative atmosphere. Treating needs as wants will cause us to lose sight of what we truly require. ### Want vs. Need It's a common misunderstanding that our wants perfectly align with our needs, but this isn't always true. While many desires originate from underlying needs, the specific things we want don't always benefit us. In fact, our wants can lead us to poor choices that we later regret. Consider food. When we need sustenance, it can trigger a want for greasy, calorie-rich foods. While these foods might provide temporary satisfaction, we often feel sluggish and regretful afterward. This highlights how our wants can lead us astray from what our bodies truly need. A more effective approach is to recognize our wants as signals of underlying needs. Instead of immediately acting on a want, pause and consider what need it might be pointing to. By identifying the root need, we can make a more conscious choice that satisfies the need while aligning with our long-term goals. For instance, if we want greasy food, recognize the underlying need for nourishment and choose a well-balanced meal. Furthermore, wants are often loosely based on needs and may not effectively satisfy them, sometimes even exacerbating the underlying need. Consider thirst. When we need water, it can manifest as a want for any liquid, including alcohol. While alcohol might quench the immediate desire to drink, it doesn't address the underlying need for hydration and can even lead to dehydration. **Key Takeaway:** Recognize wants as signals of underlying needs. Pause, identify the root need, and make a conscious choice that satisfies the need while aligning with your long-term goals. Treating wants as needs will lead to suffering because our wants are not always the best way to fulfill our needs directly and will leave our needs unsatisfied. ### Like vs. Want The interplay between our wants and likes often creates internal conflicts that significantly shape our decisions. Wants are typically overt and intrinsic, representing immediate desires that spring from our innate impulses, like the urge to indulge in a sugary snack or procrastinate. Wants are tied to immediate gratification. Likes, in contrast, are more subtle and discovered through experience. We often don't know we like something until we try it and reflect on the positive feelings or benefits. For example, you might discover a newfound appreciation for a new cuisine after trying it. Wants and likes also differ in their temporal influence. Wants exert their influence *before* an action, pushing us toward immediate gratification. Likes act as rewards *after* an action, reinforcing positive behaviors. This feedback loop is essential for developing habits. However, treating likes as wants can lead to stagnation. When we prioritize only what we already like, we lose the urge to discover new passions. While we sometimes want what we like, this isn't always the case, and we often find ourselves in situations where we don't want what we like. This disconnect is where willpower becomes crucial. Willpower enables us to override immediate desires and make choices aligned with our long-term goals. Consider exercise: most people don't initially *want* to exercise, but nearly everyone appreciates the benefits afterward. **Key Takeaway:** Use willpower to bridge the gap between what you want and what you ultimately like. Don't let immediate desires overshadow the potential for long-term enjoyment and fulfillment. ### Need vs. Like While wants are powerful motivators to *start* something new, likes are powerful motivators to *continue* an action. The allure of a new hobby propels us forward initially, but it's the enjoyment, the "likes," that sustain our engagement over time. Sometimes, these likes become so strongly reinforced that we allow them to spill into our identity. We begin to define ourselves by the things we enjoy. For example, someone who enjoys playing music might start to identify as a "musician." When this happens, we've allowed something we like to become something we believe we need. The line between enjoyment and necessity blurs. It’s dangerous to believe you need something that you don’t truly need. This is because our perception of needs dictates our actions. We prioritize what we believe is essential for survival and well-being. Instead of doing the action because we enjoy it, we do it because we believe we have to. The intrinsic motivation of enjoyment is replaced by the extrinsic pressure of obligation. The activity becomes a chore, a burden, rather than a source of joy. An example of this is fat loss. Initially, someone might embark on a weight loss journey because they want to feel healthier or more confident. They enjoy the process of exercising and eating nutritious foods. After having enjoyed the benefits of fat loss, some people allow being fit to seep into their identity. They start to see themselves as "a fit person," and their self-worth becomes tied to their physical appearance. This is problematic because they are treating a like as if it were a need. Needs will always trump likes and take their place. Our bodies and minds are wired to prioritize survival. When faced with a choice between something we need and something we like, the need will always win. It is impossible to choose a like over a need in the long term. Our bodies simply will not allow it, or we will die. We cannot choose to pursue a hobby if we are starving or deprived of sleep. If something is believed to be a need, we will treat it as if it were, but we won't die without it. This is where the danger lies. We might prioritize a perceived need over genuine needs, leading to imbalance and dissatisfaction. One does not need to be fit, and believing that they do will lead to insecurity. The pursuit of an idealized body image becomes a source of anxiety and self-doubt. This might lead them to be afraid of high-calorie food, even on occasions. They might restrict their diet excessively, fearing that any deviation from their strict regimen will derail their progress and threaten their identity. This fear can lead to a disordered relationship with food and a diminished quality of life. **Key Takeaway:** Be mindful of the distinction between likes and needs. Don't let your likes define you to the point where you believe you *need* them. This can lead to prioritizing perceived needs over genuine ones, resulting in imbalance and dissatisfaction. ## Conclusion Understanding the interplay of wants, needs, and likes is a lifelong journey. By recognizing the subtle differences between these motivations, we can make more conscious choices, align our actions with our values, and ultimately live more fulfilling lives. Take some time to reflect on your own wants, needs, and likes. Are they correctly identified? Are they aligned with your goals? Are you prioritizing the right things? And are you avoiding the trap of pursuing things you don't truly want, like, or need?